A Stellar Flare of Young Adult Writing and Visual Art
BY DAKOTA SHOEMAKER
Forever Your Vassal
I am tired of being tired.
You have stressed me to the extent of resentment.
Helped pick my skin raw,
searching for the flaws I have manifested.
My conscious is pitted and pruned because of you.
I am nothing left but a slave of melancholy.
I have no more to contribute,
you’ve rotted me inside out.
Clasped my last string of animation.
Dedicated your agony to the rest of my days.
I cannot part from you,
without I am yet just another piece of skin.
My heart is a solitude chamber,
with your name welded on the door.
You whisper the words of my denial.
You taunt only of acidity.
You have weakened my soul,
with your crisp manipulation.
I cannot sense, I can function no longer.
I am forever your vassal
My teenage years were difficult as hell,
I saw things differently, especially with the mindset of an anti psychotic.
But I knew when things didn’t add up,
like faith in humanity.
I hung out with a few people, who turned out to be anything but sober.
And eventually I had put it to my knowledge,
I was one of those few.
I got labeled as the drug addict, similar to the label on the garbage bin.
Unable to get mad because it was true,
I was numb.
The nightmares of your withdrawal became my permanent reality.
An overdose of my true love
became a lifetime of
Anxiety, Depression, and Disorders I can’t pronounce.
The warmth of mom’s vibe was now 202.9 miles away.
A course of treatment for drug or alcohol dependence, typically at a residential facility.
Six months of medications and a damaged mind,
I was desperate.
I found myself vulnerable and distressed.
You can’t explain what half a year of remorse will do to someone.
There’s no motive to the thoughts that are so real, you feel are speaking to you.
I questioned my sanity.
I was at my rock bottom.
I fell in love with this sadness and made it my new substance.
In all reality,
being in this spiral of weakness I had found my comfort.
And fading from that comfort eventually took its toll.
I’m just a used feeling,
your controlled emotion.
A being rocked in despair,
devoted to experience bliss
only with you.
Another burden on society.
Made from the vibrance of your worries.
I memorized the depths,
in order to regain my strength.
Once more used as a payment to you.
I reminisce only of deja vu.
Continue to waste my breath,
undertaking the ability to speak.
While my dignity will leak through.
The lonesomeness changes me.
Lagging with a mindset,
so oblivious to hope.
And at night I’ll cry,
knowing your eyes are blinded
In this moment of intimidating silence,
things are seen strangely.
Strange enough to question your existence.
With the overpowerment
of your withdrawal.
Have you been to the depths?
The depths so deep, life’s days are dim.
The feeling of your heart beat slowed.
The sound of nothingness.
You’ll know when you’ve hit bottom,
when oblivion brings the sweetest sadness.
Have you ever inhaled your pride?
You can hear it weaken your soul,
feel the self respect decay.
This scream for help is so vociferous.
Left with only the isolated taste
of the words you’ve ignored.
But nobody can respond with
Pure bitterness ached and pitted my conscience. The sweetest sadness flooded my lungs. Unable to pry open my eyelids, I could only manifest my life passing. These perpetual images dived into my weightless skull. They stayed to comfort, reminding me of hands drowning in pills and disgusted looks. I can’t forget it, though I’ve tried. Hysteria surged while adrenaline suffocated my veins, like the overdose of heroin. Goosebumps shielded my being as I gazed to the ceiling and lost myself in existence. I reminisce the moment I felt my dignity drag along the tears that pierced my skin. Reality grew into a figment of my imagination, along with the cold sweats that tightened my muscles. I couldn’t tell the difference between living and dying anymore. I had set fire to my insides and heaved through corrupted lungs. The silence around me became all I had known and it felt so crystal in the air. The stares began to recognize, with sunken cheekbones as disappearance covered my face. I was gone weeks beyond months. Nobody bothered to stay although, insomnia held me through the nights. The thoughts pernicious screams choked my senses and abandoned me with a blank stare as I numbed.
Dakota Shoemaker is a sophomore at Archer Learning Center in Springdale, Arkansas.