What I Learned
BY ALLY
I didn’t know what I wanted before I heard it. I didn’t know it was something I was capable of wanting until then. When I was told that you liked me by someone else I didn’t know how to react. Should I be happy, disappointed, uncaring? I was confused for too long. When I finally realized how I felt I wouldn’t admit it. I was so ashamed but also amazed. I looked back to when I first heard and I knew it wasn’t relevant anymore; the chance was long gone, it had been months. I couldn’t confront you- it was too late then, it’s too late now.
I hated that I was confused, I hated that I couldn’t decide how to feel or what to do, I hated that I wasted all that time, but I see what you taught me now. While I fantasized about you-about the idea of being with you-I learned more about myself. I learned what I want now, I learned who I am, I learned that it’s okay.
The thing is, I’m not over it yet. I know it’s been a while, but I only just found out what I want. I finally decided and now I have to let it go? Do I finally confront you or let you go?
So much holds me back from saying something to you, from telling you I finally decided that I like you back. My parents, society, our friendship, but mostly me. My doubt, insecurity, and fear. I doubt you’ll like me back after all this time. Why would you? I have nothing to offer. After so long I fear that my mind has gotten carried away, that my expectations are not realistic. I get so many mixed signals too: you like me, you think I’m boring, you think I’m funny, you’re indifferent. One moment I am about to tell you and the next I wonder why I ever considered it.
Will I get rejected or will my feelings be reciprocated? Do I want to deal with either? Rejection involves hurt feelings, awkward greetings, and pain. Our friendship will be damaged, our interactions painful, our mutual friends put in an awkward position. Will we stop talking?
What if you feel the same? Would we commit to each other? What about when it’s time to go off to college? And if, or when, it ends will it be painful for one of us or both? Either way it’s unpleasant. Can it be pleasant? And what do we get from a relationship? Companionship? Validation? Experience? Love?
What is love anyway? Why do we love? Is love when you choose someone over everything else? Is it when you can’t imagine a life without that person? Is it pain, respect, encouragement, comfort, passion, or intimacy?
What if one of us is more committed, more in love? I suppose that is the current situation, however, in this case there have been no promises. Maybe it’s better that way. Promises can be broken. What if we make no promises? What if we just see where this goes? Can we promise to make no promises?
I don’t think I could. It’s a new year and it’s time for new thoughts and expectations-realistic expectations. I will not forget the experience of liking you. I will not forget what you taught me. I will admit what you taught me.
About the Author
Ally is a sixteen year old girl who lives in Montclair, NJ. About her writing, she says, “Writing is my way of processing and reflecting on things- it helps me come to terms with whatever I am writing about. This was written last year when I heard that a girl liked me. I was confused and insecure so I wrote a rant and I just wanted to share so that I can move on maybe.”
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